My baby brother....a man...?

Today, I saw my baby brother as a man for the first time.

My brother is 19 years old, just a little over 2 years younger than I am. Ive always been protective over him, perhaps even a little overbearing but I felt like as a big sister, it was my job....my unspoken/unwritten responsibility. Aside from my mother & daughter, my baby brother means the absolute world to me, all 3 of them keep me together...keep me sane. I couldnt imagine life without with 1 of the 3 missing. My brother is my best friend & I love him more than life. He has alaways been wise beyond his years, very intelligent & rational. Even though he is my younger brother brother, I look up to him.

 My brother has suffered from undiagnosed depression his whole life but it wasnt until the past few years that it has gotten increasingly worse. My brother was recently checked into Methodist Psych. Ward. He was diagnosed with bipolar depression which is apparently as severe as it can get., which is believable due to his behavior & actions. My brother has attempted but obviosuly never succeeded suicide. This...for me....was absolutely devastating...heart breaking! He's been "detained" there for about 3 days now, I went to visit him today. He seemed fine...& not just a pretend fine...he actually seemed fine. He was suprisingly glad to be finally getting help. He was put on prozac & will be monitored until Tuesday, I cant wait until he is home, I miss him terribly. Talking to him today, looking at his eyes...his face...everything. He looked so grown up...like a man & thats when I realized thats exactly what he is....a man. My baby brother is a man & he is taking charge of his life by getting help...like a man. Even though Ive come to this realization, I will still be the same over protective/overbearing big sister because thats my job! I love you bub!

Down & Out

I graduated in 2007, 3 years later at 21 years old, all that I have accomplished is creating & mothering my beautiful daughter Hayden. All of my class mates are in their senior year of college, about to graduate...doing these amazing internships with wonderful companies. As for me....besides being a mother & attending Kaplan, Im a cashier at Walmart, I have been for a little over 2 years now & before that I was as Target AND beore that I was at Pacific Sunwear. Im seeing a trend, a trend I dont liek what so ever. I will not retire as a cashier for some corporate america bull shit company! I know I have this amazing family & I couldnt be happier & this is the life I chose & I do NOT regret it one bit BUT it does bum me out when I see all my old class mates doing these awesoem things. Sure I mean I sometimes wish I could have had those opportunities but at the same time I know Im doing what I have to, to get some where, to provide for my family but some times it feels like Im trying to justify that. As much as I get down on myself sometimes, I remind myself that Im a great mom & that I have a beautiful daughter to wake upt o every single day, a daughter who completes me & makes me 100% happy.

New to the blog scene

Im actually starting this blog for a class but now Im some what intrigued to actually follow through with a blog. I have many things going on in my life, I also have numerous random thoughts that pop in my head on a daily basis that I usually keep to myself. Also being able to write about my thoughts, opinions, feelings, & daily experiences seems like a nice way to get things off my chest.