Personal Blog:
Me and my fiance have been having some major issues lately. We've been together for almost 7 years now and as of lately things hacve been rough. Ill admit that I have some double standards and I guess its because I know how I feel about what I do(if that makes sense) and not to mention I have issues with his past...well our past and how he was not so faithful. Well now...any time I talk to a guy or text a FRIEND from work taht happens to be a guy it means I want to sleep with him or he likes me or I like him. Ugh its frustrating and to him this is a relationship ending issue. I dont what to do and Im over it. I want to be with him more than anything and I love him terribly and I want to keep our family together but this is all overwhelming and getting a little old. What to do, what to do....
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Daniel (Danny) Joseph Cook [07/16/87 - 12/08/07]
I met Danny in 6th grade, we had Mrs. Marshalls intermediate math class, which was basically math for dummies. I sat next to this girl named Jessica, Danny would always join our work group, mainly because I think he had a crush on her. I remember thinking this boy is nuts, he was just so loud and goofy. The first time he talked to me was a day when Jessica wasnt in class, he asked if he could work with me and he called me hotdog because he didnt know my name. Hotdog was something he called everyone but then eventually that just became my nick name, even after learning my name. I was hotdog. After that me and Danny became pretty good friends, he was a grade above me, he always looked out for me, made an effort to say Hi and ask how I was doing. I was still so shy then so I want sure how to act around him. Over the years after that we became closer and closer but we didnt become incredibly close until the summer before my sophomore year. Him and Maggie were dating and I had just started dating Joe, we damn near spent that whole summer together, our little group. We were either at Maggies, watching Eurotrip, which we probably watched a million times that summer, at Devins, which was the place to be just about every summer during high school due toi the fact that Kim & Kevin were awesome and became everyones second set of parents, or we were at the canal or just driving around. That was literally the moest fun and by far the best summer of my life. That year is when Danny became more like a big brother than anything. Danny was friends with just about everybody, it was hard not to like Danny, he was charming, he had this goofy, lovable...just great charm about him, those baby blues and that crooked smile definitely helped...all of these charactersistics could get him out of anything. Aside from being extremely charming Danny was also brutally honest, which is something we all loved to hate about him. If Danny didnt like you, he'd tell you. if Danny didnt like how you did your hair, how you dressed, or what you said, etc., he would flat out tell and wouldnt spare your feelings one bit. Danny was funny, smart, eccentric, loud, but Danny also had his issues just like anyone else. Anyone who was really close to Danny knew that whether he was sad or angry, it always seemed ten times worse to him than it really was. When Danny was sad....he was really sad....depressed even which could ultimately be really bad. When Danny was mad...he was livid, and if he was mad at you, you definitely knew it....luckily I never was one of those people. Danny was a good person to know and an even better friend to have.
Danny passed away 3 years ago....it will be exactly 3 years Wednesday. I remember the day so vividly....it was early morning, I was sleeping in, it was the weekend, a sunday. Joe was calling and I remember being mad...like why the hell is he calling so early?! When I answered, he sounded strange, i thought maybe it was about us. He asked if I would come outside. I knew something was wrong. I met Joe at the back gate and he grabbed my hands and said, Danny's gone. I said where and he started crying and said, he's gone. My knees went weak, I couldnt breathe. I ran back in the house and just lyed on my floor, crying, trying to grasp what had just been said. I immediately texted Justin because I knew he had to already have known. I said, please say its not true. He called me, we talked and then him and Bub came over, as soon as the got to my front porch steps we all just hugged and cried. We did that for probably a solid 10 minutes. I didnt want to let them go, I felt like I was supposed to comfort them and keep them safe and as silly as it sounds I thought if Id let go Id lose them too.
I felt guilt, anger, sadness, confusion...I felt guilty because me and Danny were losing touch since he had graduated and it was most likely my fault. I was angry because...I couldnt believe that he had did this...to himself, that he had left us all, his friends, his famliy, especially his mother. I was sad because I had just lost my brother...my best friend. I was confused as to why he did it, he was so loved, I just didnt understand.
The last time I saw Danny was October of 2007. He was standing outside, on the side of Ushers Funeral home. A football game was going on at the high school. I parked in the funeral home's parking lot to stop and talk to him. He said Hey Hotdog, asked how me and Joe were, asked what I had been up to. I asked what he was up to, told him I missed him. He did that thing where he would mess your hair all up, which he did to just about every girl in high school. He said I love you Hotdog, I said love you Danny then we hugged, I left. That was the last time I saw him, that I talked to him, hugged him....told him I loved him.
At his funeral, it was so hard to say goodbye, I stuck with Bub and Justin most of the time, Im not sure why but I felt most comfortable with them...and Joe too, it was his first funeral so it was pretty rough. I said my goodbyes with Carmen, we were both in shock and could barely stand it. I was so overwhelmed by grief and anger I couldnt say anything at the showing. it was too hard. I was also angry because this is what it took to bring our 2 classes together...a loss of a friend and we had just lost Kevin months before that too yet none of still learned any lesson for it.
Danny's mom works with me now and every time I see her I see him but it doesnt make me sad....its comforting.
I miss Danny terribly and theres not a day that goes by I dont think of him. His picture sits on my entertainment center and there are days I really could use him, days I wish he were here.
I love all of my friends and I miss a lot of them...From here on out Im making more of an effort to contact them and stay in touch before this happens again.
I love you Danny....& I miss you
RIP
Danny passed away 3 years ago....it will be exactly 3 years Wednesday. I remember the day so vividly....it was early morning, I was sleeping in, it was the weekend, a sunday. Joe was calling and I remember being mad...like why the hell is he calling so early?! When I answered, he sounded strange, i thought maybe it was about us. He asked if I would come outside. I knew something was wrong. I met Joe at the back gate and he grabbed my hands and said, Danny's gone. I said where and he started crying and said, he's gone. My knees went weak, I couldnt breathe. I ran back in the house and just lyed on my floor, crying, trying to grasp what had just been said. I immediately texted Justin because I knew he had to already have known. I said, please say its not true. He called me, we talked and then him and Bub came over, as soon as the got to my front porch steps we all just hugged and cried. We did that for probably a solid 10 minutes. I didnt want to let them go, I felt like I was supposed to comfort them and keep them safe and as silly as it sounds I thought if Id let go Id lose them too.
I felt guilt, anger, sadness, confusion...I felt guilty because me and Danny were losing touch since he had graduated and it was most likely my fault. I was angry because...I couldnt believe that he had did this...to himself, that he had left us all, his friends, his famliy, especially his mother. I was sad because I had just lost my brother...my best friend. I was confused as to why he did it, he was so loved, I just didnt understand.
The last time I saw Danny was October of 2007. He was standing outside, on the side of Ushers Funeral home. A football game was going on at the high school. I parked in the funeral home's parking lot to stop and talk to him. He said Hey Hotdog, asked how me and Joe were, asked what I had been up to. I asked what he was up to, told him I missed him. He did that thing where he would mess your hair all up, which he did to just about every girl in high school. He said I love you Hotdog, I said love you Danny then we hugged, I left. That was the last time I saw him, that I talked to him, hugged him....told him I loved him.
At his funeral, it was so hard to say goodbye, I stuck with Bub and Justin most of the time, Im not sure why but I felt most comfortable with them...and Joe too, it was his first funeral so it was pretty rough. I said my goodbyes with Carmen, we were both in shock and could barely stand it. I was so overwhelmed by grief and anger I couldnt say anything at the showing. it was too hard. I was also angry because this is what it took to bring our 2 classes together...a loss of a friend and we had just lost Kevin months before that too yet none of still learned any lesson for it.
Danny's mom works with me now and every time I see her I see him but it doesnt make me sad....its comforting.
I miss Danny terribly and theres not a day that goes by I dont think of him. His picture sits on my entertainment center and there are days I really could use him, days I wish he were here.
I love all of my friends and I miss a lot of them...From here on out Im making more of an effort to contact them and stay in touch before this happens again.
I love you Danny....& I miss you
RIP
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Bloooooooooooog
Ive been a little behind on my blog lately, Ive been extremely busy as of lately. I have been working a lot more over the last few weeks and Ive been struggling to keep up with school work, on top of work my daughter has had a cold, she's only 9 months old so Ive been taking care of her. Speaking of my daughter she is walking now, she has been for a bout 2 or 3 weeks which I think is awesome considering she is 9 months old. I cant believe how she is growing, she is so smart. Well hopefully since my work load has slowed down a bit Ill be able to concentrate a little more on my school work. Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving :]
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Bucket List, # 131
Over the last 5 or 6 years Ive been highly interested in becoming a fire fighter and it also happens to be on my bucket list so lately Ive been looking into how Id go about becoming a fire fighter for my township, within the next month Id really like to start volunteering at my local fire station. Im a pretty petite girl, weighing in at a whopping 123 lbs, the odds are against me I know due to my size but Im very determined and the more people underestimate me the more I want to prove people wrong. This will be checked off my bucket list eventually.
Friday, October 29, 2010
My baby brother....a man...?
Today, I saw my baby brother as a man for the first time.
My brother is 19 years old, just a little over 2 years younger than I am. Ive always been protective over him, perhaps even a little overbearing but I felt like as a big sister, it was my job....my unspoken/unwritten responsibility. Aside from my mother & daughter, my baby brother means the absolute world to me, all 3 of them keep me together...keep me sane. I couldnt imagine life without with 1 of the 3 missing. My brother is my best friend & I love him more than life. He has alaways been wise beyond his years, very intelligent & rational. Even though he is my younger brother brother, I look up to him.
My brother has suffered from undiagnosed depression his whole life but it wasnt until the past few years that it has gotten increasingly worse. My brother was recently checked into Methodist Psych. Ward. He was diagnosed with bipolar depression which is apparently as severe as it can get., which is believable due to his behavior & actions. My brother has attempted but obviosuly never succeeded suicide. This...for me....was absolutely devastating...heart breaking! He's been "detained" there for about 3 days now, I went to visit him today. He seemed fine...& not just a pretend fine...he actually seemed fine. He was suprisingly glad to be finally getting help. He was put on prozac & will be monitored until Tuesday, I cant wait until he is home, I miss him terribly. Talking to him today, looking at his eyes...his face...everything. He looked so grown up...like a man & thats when I realized thats exactly what he is....a man. My baby brother is a man & he is taking charge of his life by getting help...like a man. Even though Ive come to this realization, I will still be the same over protective/overbearing big sister because thats my job! I love you bub!
My brother is 19 years old, just a little over 2 years younger than I am. Ive always been protective over him, perhaps even a little overbearing but I felt like as a big sister, it was my job....my unspoken/unwritten responsibility. Aside from my mother & daughter, my baby brother means the absolute world to me, all 3 of them keep me together...keep me sane. I couldnt imagine life without with 1 of the 3 missing. My brother is my best friend & I love him more than life. He has alaways been wise beyond his years, very intelligent & rational. Even though he is my younger brother brother, I look up to him.
My brother has suffered from undiagnosed depression his whole life but it wasnt until the past few years that it has gotten increasingly worse. My brother was recently checked into Methodist Psych. Ward. He was diagnosed with bipolar depression which is apparently as severe as it can get., which is believable due to his behavior & actions. My brother has attempted but obviosuly never succeeded suicide. This...for me....was absolutely devastating...heart breaking! He's been "detained" there for about 3 days now, I went to visit him today. He seemed fine...& not just a pretend fine...he actually seemed fine. He was suprisingly glad to be finally getting help. He was put on prozac & will be monitored until Tuesday, I cant wait until he is home, I miss him terribly. Talking to him today, looking at his eyes...his face...everything. He looked so grown up...like a man & thats when I realized thats exactly what he is....a man. My baby brother is a man & he is taking charge of his life by getting help...like a man. Even though Ive come to this realization, I will still be the same over protective/overbearing big sister because thats my job! I love you bub!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Down & Out
I graduated in 2007, 3 years later at 21 years old, all that I have accomplished is creating & mothering my beautiful daughter Hayden. All of my class mates are in their senior year of college, about to graduate...doing these amazing internships with wonderful companies. As for me....besides being a mother & attending Kaplan, Im a cashier at Walmart, I have been for a little over 2 years now & before that I was as Target AND beore that I was at Pacific Sunwear. Im seeing a trend, a trend I dont liek what so ever. I will not retire as a cashier for some corporate america bull shit company! I know I have this amazing family & I couldnt be happier & this is the life I chose & I do NOT regret it one bit BUT it does bum me out when I see all my old class mates doing these awesoem things. Sure I mean I sometimes wish I could have had those opportunities but at the same time I know Im doing what I have to, to get some where, to provide for my family but some times it feels like Im trying to justify that. As much as I get down on myself sometimes, I remind myself that Im a great mom & that I have a beautiful daughter to wake upt o every single day, a daughter who completes me & makes me 100% happy.
Friday, October 15, 2010
New to the blog scene
Im actually starting this blog for a class but now Im some what intrigued to actually follow through with a blog. I have many things going on in my life, I also have numerous random thoughts that pop in my head on a daily basis that I usually keep to myself. Also being able to write about my thoughts, opinions, feelings, & daily experiences seems like a nice way to get things off my chest.
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